It has been three years ago, going on four, since I last had a relationship. As I approach my late twenties, people question my being single.
I have become an adult and I’d like to believe it will be inevitable, at a certain age, that one will be the subject of queries on marriage during family dinners as I am now.
I have to admit I am private. I did not want anybody knowing about my relationship and I did not want telling anybody anything.
But for your knowledge. I had a relationship.
Then I got hurt. And it was awful. I was joyless for months and all I had were tears. I lost all the care I had in myself, thinking and feeling I suddenly became purposeless. All because the person who loved me, who was not family, realized he no longer sees the rainbows in my eyes and I was no longer the love he won.
I couldn’t bear seeing him happy with his friends while I was in pain. I experienced a kind of brokenness I have not realized existed. Every song felt like a stab in the chest, every couple on the street felt like an insult to my commitments, everything was him and he was anguish.
I no longer want that. And I don’t want to feel that grief again.
So why am I loveless?
It is not that I hate love. I do wish to find my own someday. Oh, goodness, and if only you know how much I want that someday to be tonight. But… I was hurt too much to even think of allowing chances lead to that again. I was hurt too much to go back to that again. I. Was. Hurt. I am hurt itself.
I loved too much that I cannot let it go. Not because I want this to stay but because I believe it was real. And real love stays with you for the rest of your life. I believe that if that has come, it does not always become mutual.
Why am I loveless? I am not. Because I have that still. Maybe the better question is why are you alone in love?
But for the sake of curiosity, and if it could be of a consolation, I am alone in love because I have not moved on. I have accepted loss but have not lost the emotion.
Probably, I have met the one for me, but he will never be ready. And as far as I know what I am feeling now, no one can ever be him.
Why am I alone in love? Because he will never be ready and no one can ever be him.