We should stop being together.
That is probably the most dreaded line any girl in love wouldn’t want to hear. Simply because when we are in love we want it to be forever. We have this grand idea of marrying our first love so that no matter what happened to him in the past, we become that one woman who changed him. The one woman he would love deeply. But love is not just a one-person-ideology and we have to understand that what goes on in a girls mind is not exactly what is going on in his.
Regardless of how a girl would want a relationship to work, sometimes it really wouldn’t. And it is not because she is not cute enough or sweet enough but because he has moved on from that point in his life when he needed you because he has fallen out of love. And when this happens, girls blame themselves repeating the scenario several times. But girls get this: break ups are not your fault! People just change. That’s all. Sometimes a girl even gets drowned in the ideology that it is just a phase and he will soon be over it and he will run back to her arms and that only prolongs the agony.
5 Most Common Break Up Mistakes:
1. Denying reality. We were making plans. He said he loved me. I mean the world to him. This is not happening! Spell GUILTY. The first thing that makes break ups hard is the fact that girls do not want to accept it. Their brains say one thing, the heart says another. By doing this, we experience conflict within ourselves and it drains the energy in us. We become stressed, we withdraw from people and the worst is we are lying to ourselves! As Buddha puts it,
with acceptance comes peace.
2. Blaming yourself. When couples break up, the first question that would come up would be “Why? What did I do?” Here, we already assume that we messed up the relationship so bad that our partner would want to call it quits. Of course, even if you ask thousands of times he will never quite give you the reason, instead, he would try to divert the conversation and try mightily to lessen your pain by saying that it’s not you it’s me cliche but the thing is, if it is really him why can’t he just better himself instead of hurting you? The answer: if you know you’ve been honest all the time, whatever his reasons are for breaking up, it is never your fault. He probably needs that time off. Guilty or not, that means time without you. Looking back at your relationship trying to spot your mistake is equivalent to you creating a problem and demeaning yourself rather than fixing whatever is broken, your heart.
3. Surrounding yourself with memories. It is ironic but sometimes when girls feel down they don’t try to cheer themselves up but they tend to wallow in sadness! This entails listening to sad songs, staying in the bedroom crying her heart out while staring at his old messages and photos where he is superman and she was Lois Lane. Talk about inflicting pain. At this stage, it is better to take your photos off the wall and better yet, resort to watching comedy horror films like these Asian flicks called Pee Mak and Hantu Tanah Kusir because aside from simple sense of thrill and the challenge of understanding the plot without the subtitles, you would also get to be laughing again. It is much better to let go of sad thoughts for a while instead of drilling your head with those by watching romantic comedies that won’t just make you remember but will keep you questioning what went wrong in your relationship. Remember, rom-coms are scripted, they are not about you and your ex. Oh, we are not watching romcoms anytime, okay?
4. Stalking him. The whole point in breaking up is to separate from each other! Harsh but real. Why would he want some time off on his own if he would just want you to tag along? This range from looking at his Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to trying to call and text him. It is pretty normal these days to go online to snoop at whatever an ex is doing since social networking has become part of our lives. Rachel Sussman in her book,Breakup Bible, talks more about this. You tag along in his every post checking if he has moved on or if he is seeing a new girl. Let me ask you this question: what for? You two broke up so he has no obligations to you anymore. And if he seems happy, don’t make yourself feel bad by looking at his life online. People have this habit of posting whatever looks good and acceptable so there is a huge chance that whatever you are seeing will affect how you look at yourself by thinking that you are a person not worth crying for all just because his status says so. By doing this, you are making moving on (I discussed ways to do this here) long and agonising.
5. Begging him back. A guy friend of mine once told me about this film he watched where the girl tried to lure her ex back after years of separation. In the film, the girl literally begged for him to get back with her. Girls think it is romantic because if guys could declare their love why can’t girls, right? Wrong! My friend said that if there is anything he would feel about the girl begging on him that would be nothing but dismay. My mom also said that when a guy stops loving you, there is no way you could get him back. And consider this: when a guy knows that you can be so head over heels over him to the point you actually beg for him, it only gives him this idea that he could treat you as an option and not a choice, a doormat and not a person. Do the lady in you a favour, save your self worth and just think about how you would feel about it a few months after. If you feel like being disgusted then, remind that to yourself.