Did he ever say “I love you”?

Did he ever say “I love you”?
We live in a world where we value the idea of love, yet we do not fully commit ourselves to what it entails.
We have romanticized and have associated ourself to the story of love that are so like the movies: No strings Attached, Friends with Benefits, or 50 Days of Summer.

We connect yet we are so distant; we are so in love with being in love yet not with the person. We are happy but we are not real.
I know some would agree when I say that this type of relationship is confusing. It gives you moments of paralyzing anxiety wondering how much of a worth you are to the other or if you are worth anything at all. You get confused with the way he treats you. He is sweet and then forgets about you the next moment. You spend some of your time sulking somewhere dark and cold and thinking what are we? Yet, you cannit ask because you know what you are is unfavorable to you. 

However, no matter how foolish we think the situation is, we tend to believe that there indeed is something. And that adulthood tells us that that something may not be labelled as long as you both know how you feel. And if only to compensate the lack of security, you make yourself believe and you allow to blossom a one sided relationship.

But it is wrong

Life is not supposed to be like the films you watch on Netflix where the characters could go on playing around and then decide they want each other. That is not real. That could never be real. Endings in movies are profitable but your life isn’t tagged with a movie ticket. Your emotions don’t depend on the audience’s reactions. 

Your life is real.
In order for a relationship to be true, it has to be labelled. If there is one thing I have learned, that is commitment is the utmost proof of love. And a relationship void of such is doomed to fail. Not because you are infedilous, but because an uncommited relationship is a kind that is confused and insecure. A kind that is only good for the ego and a curse for the soul. A kind that wastes time and youthfulness. A kind that is not a relationship.

Yes, he is kind, yes, he takes care of you, but did he ever say I love you? Don’t mistake his actions for his real emotions. As Shakespeare puts it,”all the world’s a stage, and all men and women merely players.”  

Do not give more than what is required. Do not be the wife to a man who can’t even see himself holding your hand. Don’t be taken head over heels by false togetherness. Do not be the secret girl he encourages to believe is special is in hidden as you “don’t need to prove anything to the world.”

You deserve a man who is proud to have you. A man who introduces you to all the people special to him. Someone who does not make you worry, someone who does not make you cry. Someone who does not make you feel doubtful of who you are. Someone who does not strangle you in his unreasonable rules of not doing this and that, someone who does not confine you only in his world just so he can have you anytime.

You need to be with a man you do not need to dumb down yourself for. A man who trusts you. A man who never lies to you. A man who does not make you stupid. A man who does not make you wait. A man who tell you who you are in his life and means it. 

Did he ver say I love you? Regardless if he acts like Prince Charming, if he does not care about how you feel, do yourself a favor. Leave. 

Do yourself a favor. Chase the sun and run from the Grim Reaper.


Note: Writing prompt care of Carmela Dawn Abas “Did he ever say I love you” 

Grim Reaper

​He is a grim reaper of a person for he turns wisdom into foolishness

He is a grim reaper of a person for he weaves an intricate web of betrayal

He is a grim reaper of a person for he has lips of roses and a heart of thorns

He is a grim reaper of a person for he dulls two of the stars at once

He is a grim reaper of a person for he sow purity and turns it to dark

He is a grim reaper of a person for he disguises— love is never lust

He is a grim reaper of a person for he continuously tarnishes my heart.

Practicality or Passion?

Practicality or passion? This is the most disturbing question any graduating millenial tries to answer.
Ideally, you finish school and earn money but we get tormented between choosing a job that pays the bills and pursuing a job we like so that we never have to work a day in our life.

Expectedly, we need to choose a job that can pay our bills. I am not saying that we are just born to pay this and that but in reality, even the most luxurious life you can think of involves the exchange of money for goods. 
Should you wish to travel, you pay the plane ticket, you buy your food, you pay hotels and all. Should you opt to buy a car, you purchase using money. Though the concept of “bills” means relatively to some, I have thought that maybe we can make our own bill classification into a positive bill and a negative bill.

Do not be confused. This idea stemmed from my personal experience and cannot be found in books. But really, when a bill is something mandatory, like electricity bills, we find it an obligation—now that is the negative bill. However, if the bill is something we chose to have, like that trip to Venice, we tag it as living the life we want—that’s the positive bill right there.

Do you see how our life is formed by our mindset? 

People tell you, you need to have a job at once but if you think you are not ready, then don’t apply yet. Go enjoy the summer!

If people tell you that you need to be more practical and choose the higher paying job over the job that you like, well… choose the job you want because eventually, you get performance bonus and the salary that you deserve.

You see, if you love what you do, you excel in it. Nonetheless, if the opportunity for your passiion is not there yet, then here is a win-win choice you could try for yourself: so, the answer to the question is this: look for a day job that can pay all the bills and put saving in your bank account but still find time doing things you want.

As a young professional back in 2011, I was lucky enough to have landed a first job that pays well. I was paid per hour and I only work for 4 days a week, 3-6 hours a day. But the thing is, I earn twice as much as my counterparts. Lucky enough, yes. Nevertheless, I realized that it is not really the job I wanted. Though I was able to help other people and I enjoyed my collegues’company, I couldn’t find a sense of fulfilment.
So, what did I do? I left and became almost unemployed for two years. I practiced freelance writing. Though I was earning a relatively small amount, I felt happy whenever I get to publish pieces. But here’s the rub: my freelance job almost couldn’t pay the bills.

So, when I got back to my senses,  I went back to the industry and got lucky enough to land a day job. Yes, this job is something I leave at the office and gives me my weekends and evenings off. But since I was able to establish a writing gig for myself, I opted to continue doing it.

I did not want to stop my passion (which is writing) so I struggled to land writing gigs again. And right now, whenever I have time, I do SEO and I contribute to an online news site.

Am I happy? Definitely better than in 2013 when I thought I was not achieving anything. Right now, I feel fulfilled that I get to do what I want (writing) while being able to do what I should (pay the bills).

“Choose a job you want and you will never have to work a day in your life”

I suggest not to take this literally. It will stress you out. Whether or not you pick what you love or you choose to do what you can, you’ll work either way. The difference would be the amount of satisfaction you give yourself.

You may actually opt to make your passion your job but if it earns too little, do not worry. Do not rush. It will get bigger soon. Just do not give up. Most importantly, do not listen to people who give deadlines to your success.

It is yours. Own it!


We get to go where we are supposed to at our own pace, remember that.
It took me 6 years after graduating college before I got my dream job. 

Well, my dream job is actually my “sideline job” but that does not matter. I learned that the thing I was stressing about three years ago is meaningless today.

If I had known I would become an official writer, I wouldn’t have had sulked in one corner of my house thinking I was putting my talent to waste.

Passion or practicality? Both.

Fast success or slow success? That is up to you. Fast. Slow. Does not matter. If you could go fast, do it. If you are scared, at least take little steps. Taking one step is still better than not moving at all.

Ultimately, fulfill your role but still pay yourself when you have time. If the job steals your personal space, leave.

There are tons of job posts out there. Find your fit. Sometimes, it will take a few days, a week, months or a couple of years. That’s OK. Look for what you want and all the waiting will be worth it.

How Do I love Myself


How do I love myself?

That is the question I ask me everyday. I live in the idea that I am well but really, I never feel content with anything I have now because I know, but I refuse to see, that my life is anchored in the past and in all my wonderful dellusions.

I chose pain. I choose it. All the time. I hurt but I still go back to the thing that broke me. And he breaks me everyday: when he is sweet now and ignores me kfor the next eight hours, when he invites me to a date, and then cancels at the last minute, when he asks me questions and then never responds to my replies. 

But it was OK. 

So, I tolerated the chains he starngled around my neck. I was his dog on a leash all because I thought it is better to have some than none. All because I thought I was in love.

This is not love. Thisi s neediness.

Love makes you grow. Love makes you hurt then makes you happy. Love makes you feel your worth. Love does not make you wait. Wait with hours on end. Love does not make you question. Love makes you feel secured. Love is crying happy tears and not of brokenheartedness. Love is loneliness sometimes and making up after that.

There was happiness in the little showers of time but there is greater somber in our woven false timelessness. I know. But I desist acceptance all due to a bit of hope. And there are times hope downs healing.

I love, he loved. 

And real love does not beg. 

Belies

Exhaustion.
How do I love myself? 

I must let go. I must bleed but I’ll let go. It would hurt but I’d let go. Because no matter how much I tell myself that it is going to be “us”,  someone someday will be giving me the love I am worthy of without me doubting what I am to him.

Then I should srop waiting. Because ladies do not beg. They are loved.

Note: hypothetical piece

Payakap ng saglit

Bago pumikit ang mata
Tinig mo ang naririnig
Umaasang sa muli ay
Mayakap ka ng saglit

Nais ko sanang magbasa ng iyong liham
Ngunit kahit isa’y wala kang pinadala
Nais ko sanang makita kung paano ang iyong pagsulat
Ngunit kahit isa’y walang maikumpara

Tatlong taon na simula ng mawala ka
Subalit ayaw ko pa ring ilagay sa ala ala

Ayaw ko pa ring tanggapin na nagkaroon
“Nagka”
Noon
Tapos wala ng “ngayon”

Minahal mo naman ako diba?
“Mina” hal
Dahil tapos na
Wala na
Wala ka

Payakap naman uli kahit saglit
Paramdam naman ng ikaw
Ikaw na inibig

Kahit isa na lang
Para manahimik
At mahinto ang kabig ng isip
Na baka
Mayroon pa
Bukas
Magising at magbalik ka na

Tatlong taon na akong naghihintay
Hanggang kailan pa ba?
Napapagod na akong lumuha
Napagod na akong magmahal
Pero kahit anong piga sa aking mata
Mahal at mahal pa rin kita

Payakap namang muli kahit ng saglit
At magpaalam ka
Nang malaman kong
di ko na kailangang maghintay
Sapagkat di ka na magbabalik

Payakap naman ng saglit
Paalam sa aking iniibig

Payakap naman kahit saglit
Sapagkat hindi kana magbabalik

“Patricia, you’re not good enough”

Patricia, you’re just not good enough”

Back in 2015, I was so frustrated with my writing ability.

When I was 18, Journalism was a breeze. It’s like words come out of my head as if I was an article churning machine.

When I was 11, I wanted Summit Media. I dreamed about Kzone. I craved for Candy. Fast forward to my 25-year-old self, I was too far from my childhood dream.

My favorite quote says “you can be whatever you want to be, if you set your mind to it, it will happen.”

Have I set my mind hard enough? Was I pushing myself good enough? I was not. I had to stop lying to myself. I got so comfortable with “I am a natural born writer” that I halted on improving my skill. I grew tired of it. I grew tired of myself.

How old was I? And where am I now?
Nowhere. I promised myself that I would be a writer when I grow up but did nothing in alignment to that dream. The bad thing was, I did not translate that “dream” into a goal, that even if it was in my head and in my heart, my hands did not do anything at all. I thought “I have time”. But time is treacherous. Yesterday you are a kid; today, you are where you are.

Then I mused, if I want this, why don’t I start on what I have? I have  myself, a tablet, and an Internet connection. So, I read a lot of articles on writing and blogging, I trained online and then I set up my WordPress and started writing short news.

I found it hard. I struggled. I couldn’t stop smiling in disappointment that someone who was editor-in-chief of three papers would be terrible again. Then I hated myself. But then I realized maybe I was just getting “rusty”. So, I continued writing until I get the hang of it again. And when I found my motivation, I.just.couldn’t.stop.

After a few weeks of “marketing myself”, doing projects for free, finally, I got a real paying gig.

My first client loved what I did that high ratings and a lot of projects started pouring in for me! I was back on track! I believed that if it continued to be that way, I could eventually penetrate the industry!

And then there were two instances when I was doubted by two persons. People I barely knew. They asked me to write for them and they ill-reviewed the pieces.

They said that I cannot write because my English is broken, my verbiage is wrong, I misspell a lot of words, and that I was not “good enough”. Ultimately, they said that “I cannot work with this quality, I won’t refer you to anyone.”

I was like, “If you don’t like my articles, fine.”

I felt like I wanted to faint at that moment but then I said, if others commended me, there would still be more out there that would need me.

But I started training online again. I felt bad that I needed to do something about it. I needed to fix things.

I told one of my friends about it as I couldn’t even sleep. She laughed and said that “Adik, it’s normal.” Then I smiled and laughed with her as I remembered our professors in college. “It’s a dog eats dog society” they said. They were right.

Few days after, I wrote four long articles for different websites.

These articles were at least 2000 words and entailed long research.  Guess what? I got commended each time that I was even given a raise! After a series of projects, I was recruited to two separate teams of writers whose head offices are based overseas.

I learned a lot on a lot of things like not focusing on two bad words when I have 15 good others. I became accepting and happy of my failures because that proved to me that I was trying to improve myself. And life is not about what you are now, life is about what you could still become.

I thought, if I stopped when I got hurt, I wouldn’t have been given a bigger opportunity.

I was criticized.
I was told that my talent was of low quality.
“I was not good enough.”

That was then. Now, I am Associate Editor of a legit online news site based in Canada. And still dabbles on a lot of freelance writing on the side.

Start with what you have and keep going. It is indeed hard in the beginning. It is never gonna be easy but it’s so worth it.